I think I'm in that peak - not too high up, probably just the peak of a small hill - falling off at this very steep rate, as though it was cliff. Everything just seem to be crumbling down badly.
Just taking a step back to think and reflect, What am I doing. Really.
WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I DOING? REALLY.
WSS was a time for me to pick up something new. To help myself grow in discipline, time management, patience, and probably, in leadership too. Those times after WSS when I have that short time for training, I keep thinking and telling myself that 'I need to rest. I need to study.'
But who am I really deceiving?
Honestly, I really have no idea what I'm doing, or why I've become like that. Looking back and comparing my life in secondary school and poly, I would say I've changed. I've changed for the worse. Right now, dragging basically everything down with me. The times I chose to rest and not study but instead, waste my time away, I've lost myself from studies. The times I chose to rest and think that I need to study, but waste it all away, I lost my commitment to track and training. I've lost my place of leadership. I've lost to myself, an athlete. Now, am I really an athlete? I ask myself. The times when I chose to think that I need to study but actually just waste my time when my friends ask me out, I lost my social life. I think back and wonder, I could have gone out with them instead.
And right now, I choose to rush over my studies and give somethings up like going for CE, and losing that commitment, I don't know. I don't have my answer. All in my mind now is, I need a break. I NEED A BREAK. I need to sit and think. I need to really sleep and rest and reflect.
Then again, isn't it tha case that those who work really hard and commit themselves fully, deserve that break? That led me to the answer that I don't deserve that break. Even if I want to, where can I find that break? When can I have it? I'm honestly desperate for it.
Losing myself, Losing my studies, Losing my trainings, Losing MY COMMITMENT!
The feeling just can't stop. Everything Just seems to be going downhill.
Honestly, when people say "JYJY!", "All the way!", "All the best!", "Don't give up!" or "I'll be praying for you!"
What do you feel? What do you think about it? Does it push you to keep going?
For me, I don't think I'll react strongly to that. My reaction will be simply: "okay, thanks"
But do you really mean it? I don't think so. I just don't feel like it's doing anything. At the most, It'll just be, "Thanks =) with a little smile and encouragement"
What Really striked me today was this, I won't reveal who it is, but it said "Why like this, Jeremy?"
It really strucked me hard at that moment. I was expecting an encouragement. Well, not really. I did something wrong the last week, and was actually expecting something bad. But not as bad.
It got me thinking later on, that was this is about. What am I doing?
And whatever it is, it's still a strong discouragement. And when you're especially in the valley, that feeling of discouragement multiplies greatly.
Weeks back, or maybe, a couple of months back, I was just alone with Michael, at school's mac, just chilling out and looking after the bags while some of them were playing frisbee. And we suddenly started talking about being emo. My answer to him was that I've not felt emo in a long time. Being happy and cheerful all the time. But just within this week, I felt that emo feeling once again. Helpless and useless.
Just last night, before I go to bed, I started complaining about the issue which have been in my heart for a long time, till now when I thought everything was going well, about having a best friend. A friend whom we can share and pour our problems to. And that of course, I just typed it in a text on my phone, and deleted it in the morning. And being reminded of that incident, I msg-ed mike about that feeling which has just found itself again.
Then I got back to thinking. How would that help anyway. Keep telling someone how bad you are, how low you are, giving that bad impression, probably telling them how you want to change..
But things just keep to seem and stay as the way they are. Sometimes, you try and still get back to where you are, and sometimes, you just keep staying there and complain. What's the point if you don't make a point to start moving?
I feel that's where I am. Telling the world what I'm like though I'm trying. And at your lowest moment, you just can't help it, but to give that bad impression and all. typing to the computer. Geez. I think I should stop to really try and stop all these. Guess this is really where I should put that full-stop.
Signing off. 2344_